One of the most frequent questions I get asked about concerns the non – compliance of children within the family. Perhaps the child had complied without resistance up until now but suddenly a rebellious streak has emerged. “No”, “in a minute,” “I’ll do it later” or “Why do I have to do it?” have become your child’s new favourite words. Any form of non – compliance is considered inappropriate, disrespectful or bold.

But let’s pause & consider this for a moment. Imagine having a child who was 100% compliant. Training children to be obedient exposes them to potential abuse, because they might not learn that they are allowed to say “no” & resist adults’ inappropriate touch. It makes them vulnerable to bullying when a dominant group member directs some wannabes to victimise a weaker peer. Also, whole societies become unsafe when people obey orders to harm fellow human beings.

Instead of teaching compliance, then, a guidance approach to raising children believes that we must teach them how to be considerate of others – to think about the effects of their actions on others. This approach can result in

• children developing a sense of right and wrong so that, even without supervision, they act considerately – not because they might be punished for doing otherwise, but because it is the right thing to do
• children learn to manage their emotions so that their outbursts do not disturb those around them but, more importantly, so that they themselves learn to cope with setbacks in life
• children learn to cooperate rather than try to dominate so that they can have their needs met

Past the age of 3, most children will know how they should be behaving (as we have explained this to them in the past). But Ongoing, repeated, or chronic behaviour problems come about because children are reacting to adults’ attempts to control their behaviour. Mostly, these attempts involve delivering punishment such as reprimands or time out. In general, children respond to control by showing resistance, rebellion or retaliation but only occasionally with compliance.

When your child is born they are totally dependent on you to take care of their basic needs. They require your direction & their compliance. However, as they get older, your powers of influence will wane over time & influence will come from peers. You need to replace direction with guidance – creating an environment where they are allowed take on board what you say but ultimately make their own choices, their own mistakes – once age or developmentally appropriate to do so.

One last thing regarding compliance versus informed choices. If your aim is to have your child comply 100% with what you want or think is best for them, how will you respond the day it transpires the road you made them go down was the wrong road? What happens when they comply to something with a negative outcome??